TARGET="_parent">April's's Story - October 2001

TARGET="_parent">April's's Story - October 2001

My boyfriend, Stanley, and I were surprised to here the news that I was pregnant. Being that this was our first baby we were pretty nervous but very excited. I wished for a girl and after five months we found out that it was a girl. I couldn't have been more happy. This baby was to be the first grandchild on both sides of our family so naturally our parents were even more excited than we were. We decided to move into a bigger place and we weren't even completely unpacked when I started to fix the nursery. Stanley would just laugh to see me spend so many hours in there to make sure it was perfect. Everything seemed to be normal through the whole pregnancy. We decided on naming her Caitlin Rose. I felt she was the first thing to blossom from me, like a rose blossoms. At eight months pregnant, I went to the doctor for my original appointment(8/28/2001). The doctor checked me and heard her heartbeat. I was a little worried about her not moving as much as normal. The doctor told me that this was normal because she was getting bigger. The following Sunday(9/2/2001) I started to have contractions so I went to the hospital. Stanley was so excited thinking his baby girl would soon be born. They took us in the room to set up the fetal monitor and for some reason they couldn't find a heartbeat. I thought it was something wrong with the monitor until the nurse explained that my baby was dead. I felt a big lump in my throat as I felt the tears just streaming down my face. We felt it was better to wait until the following morning to induce the labor. I felt that I needed to let things sink in first. The whole night they let Stanley and I stay there just holding each other as our family were making plans for the following day. I don't think I ever stopped crying that night as I held the clothes that we chose to be her take home outfit. Monday morning our family and friends piled in the little room to hug us before we went in to the labor room. My mother and Stanley sat there with me while I was being induced and helped me with all the pain. All of our family and friends waited all day in the waiting room. Caitlin was finally born at 5:35p.m. We chose to keep her in the room and hold her for a while. The doctor said that she had only been dead a couple days at the most. She was the most beautiful baby that I had ever seen. Everyone held her and kissed her and we all cried together. Pictures were taken and the nurses put her in her take home outfit. She was 3lbs. 11oz. so her clothes were a little big but she looked perfect just the same. The following week was the worst. We planned to have a funeral and burial service. We chose soft nursery songs to be played at the showing. The funeral home did such a beautiful job with her makeup that we chose to have an open casket. I was so proud that we had such a beautiful baby. We dressed her in lavender purple. A friend of ours had heard this song called "Jesus Has a Rocking Chair" and got the words and also sang it during the service. I had never cried so hard in my life as my dad pulled me away from her casket as we said our last goodbyes. We took pictures of everything so that we could look at her whenever we needed to do so. I carry those pictures of her in my purse to show people what she looked like for those I come in contact with who couldn't be there. If I can't show her off in person, then I'll show her off in pictures and this seems to make me feel better. Stanley and I have decided to wait a while before we have another baby. The last thing I want to do is feel like I'm replacing her. It was hard to take my maternity leave from work and stay home alone with out a baby. There were at least five other girls at my work who were pregnant the same time as me. Some have had their babies and some will be having their's soon. It's so hard to even look at them. I think I'm dealing with the whole thing okay. It really does help to know that other people have gone through the same thing. Everyday I see her in a different way. Rosey cheeks, pigtails, carrying her dolls, saying mommy and daddy, with fancy dresses, but most of all with angel wings. She is forever in all of our hearts and she will be forever missed.