KahlillasStory

I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT IN FEBRUARY OF 2003. I WAS TWENTY-FIVE AND NOT IN WHAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD DEEM AN "IDEAL RELATIONSHIP." I NATURALLY HAD MIXED EMOTIONS. I BATTLED BACK AND FORTH WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD DO. MOSTLY BECAUSE THE BABY'S FATHER WAS NOT TOO ENTHUSED ABOUT HAVING A BABY. AT FIRST HE TOLD ME WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO HE WOULD STAND BY ME. THEN IT WAS, WELL IT IS REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME FOR EITHER ONE OF US TO BRING A NEW BABY INTO THE WORLD. SO, I MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO HAVE AN ABORTION. I HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT MY DECISION EVERY NIGHT AND I THOUGHT OF THEM EVERYDAY. I WOULD DREAM OF A BABY CALLING ME "MOMMY" AS IT REACHED FOR ME WITH ITS TINY LITTLE HAND. THE DAY TO GO TO THE CLINIC WAS APPROACHING QUICKLY. ALL I DID WAS CRY. I HAD BEEN CRYING FOR SEVERAL MONTHS BY NOW; AS I HAD WAITED ALMOST UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO MAKE THIS APPOINTMENT.

I WAS SO STRESSED. I HAD ALREADY HAD TWO INCIDENTS WHERE I WAS BLEEDING WHICH WERE PROBABLY BOTH STRESS RELATED. THEN CAME THE THIRD AND SCARIEST OF ALL. I STARTED TO BLEED ONE DAY WHEN I WENT TO THE BATHROOM. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT THIS HUGE RELEASE. I HEARD SOMETHING DROP INTO THE TOILET. IT SCARED ME TO DEATH WHEN I LOOKED INTO THE TOILET AND IT WAS FULL OF BRIGHT RED BLOOD. I IMMEDIATELY CALLED THE DOCTOR AND WAS TOLD TO REST AND PUT MY FEET UP BUT IF IT GOT ANY WORSE TO MAKE A JUDGMENT CALL OF MY OWN ABOUT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I HAD GONE TO THE BATHROOM ABOUT 4 MORE TIMES AND THE SAME THING HAD HAPPENED. I COLLECTED SOME OF THE TISSUE FROM THE TOILET, I READ THAT YOU SHOULD BRING IT WITH YOU IF POSSIBLE WHEN THIS OCCURS, AND I WAS OFF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I DROVE MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS NOT ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE FATHER, MY MOTHER HAD NOT YET RETURNED HOME EVEN THOUGH I HAD CALLED HER, AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO WAS WITH ME AT THE TIME WAS MY FRIEND, JOY, WHO HAS CEREBRAL PALSY AND SHE DOES NOT DRIVE.

I CHOSE THE CLOSEST HOSPITAL SINCE I DROVE MYSELF AND IT WAS THE HOSPITAL VISIT FROM HELL. THE DOCTORS AND NURSES WERE RUDE AND UNCARING. THE HOSPITAL WAS NOT EQUIPPED FOR THIS KIND OF CRISIS. I HAD NO IDEA THAT THERE ARE HOSPITALS THAT ARE NOT PREPARED TO DEAL WITH PREGNANT WOMEN. I HAD TO HAVE A HORRIBLE PELVIC EXAM ON A BEDPAN. THE DOCTOR DID NOT EXPLAIN WHAT HE WAS DOING SO I WAS VERY TENSE. NOT TO MENTION I WAS PETRIFIED. I THINK I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH. IT HURT SO MUCH THAT WHEN THE DOCTOR EXTRACTED HIS HAND, I LET OUT A QUICK BREATH AND BURST INTO HYSTERICAL TEARS. I WAS AMAZED WHEN ONE OF THE NURSES ASKED ME WHY I WAS CRYING. I WAS SO CHOKED UP I COULD NOT EVEN ANSWER HER.

NEXT I WAS WHEELED TO THE ULTRASOUND ROOM WITH A TECHNICIAN WHO SEEMED TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME ASKING HER QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO MY BODY. I WAS ONLY 10 WEEKS AND 4 DAYS PREGNANT. I KNEW FROM READING AND MY ULTRASOUND THE PREVIOUS WEEK THAT A TRANSVAGINAL, SOMETIMES CALLED INTRAVAGINAL ULTRASOUND IS THE BEST WAY TO SEE THE BABY THIS EARLY. THIS IS WHEN A CAMERA IS INSERTED VAGINALLY TO SEE THE BABY INSTEAD OF THE TRANSABDOMINAL USUALLY SEEN ON TV WHERE THE GEL IS RUBBED ON THE BELLY. PLUS, I HAD NOT BEEN GIVEN ANY FLUID TO ENSURE THAT I HAD A FULL BLADDER FOR A TRANSABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND. SO NATURALLY I QUESTIONED ALL OF THIS WHEN THE TECHNICIAN BEGAN. I GUESS SHE WAS USED TO UNEDUCATED PEOPLE AND WAS ANNOYED BY MY QUESTIONS.

ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH THE TECHNICIAN DID NOT SAY A WORD I COULD SEE MY BABY MOVING ON THE SCREEN, SEEMINGLY VERY HAPPY IN THERE. THE HEART RATE WAS RAPIDLY BEATING AT 150 BEATS PER MINUTE, WHICH IS RIGHT ON POINT. THE BABY WAS JUST FINE. SO, WHAT WAS GOING ON? NO ONE KNEW WHAT HAD HAPPENED. THE ONLY ANSWER MY DOCTOR COULD GIVE WHEN I SAW HER THE FOLLOWING MONDAY WAS THAT THE TISSUE MUST HAVE BEEN OLD AND NEEDED TO BE EXCRETED IN ORDER FOR THERE TO BE ROOM TO ALLOW THE BABY TO GROW. I HATED NOT HAVING AN ANSWER BUT I WAS GLAD MY BABY WAS ALL RIGHT.

I REALIZED THAT THOSE TEARS I HAD BEEN SHEDDING THOSE MONTHS BEFORE WERE BECAUSE I WAS PUTTING SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS BEFORE MY OWN. I WANTED THIS BABY. I HAD BEEN AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT BECAUSE THE FATHER DID NOT SHARE THE SAME FEELINGS. BUT MY BABY WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN HE WAS. SO, I MADE A DECISION THAT STILL IS NOT UNDERSTOOD OR SUPPORTED BY MANY PEOPLE WHOM I LOVE. MY BABY WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MYSELF OR ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE, EVEN LIFE ITSELF.

SO, I MADE THE DECISION TO BECOME A SINGLE MOM. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT FREE. FREE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS LITTLE LIFE GROWING INSIDE OF ME. THE TEARS MAGICALLY CEASED. I BEGAN TO SHOW MY EXCITEMENT EVERYDAY. I BROUGHT A BOOK TO READ TO MY BABY IN UTERO, A PREGNANCY JOURNAL, AND A MOMMY JOURNAL WHERE I COULD WRITE LETTERS TO MY BABY. I WAS ABLE TO FOLLOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH MY BABY AND MYSELF ON A DAILY BASIS BY READING BOOKS AND WRITING IN MY JOURNALS. I THINK I WAS IN THE MOTHERHOOD MATERNITY STORE AT LEAST ONCE EVERY WEEK. AND I ALWAYS HAD A MILLION QUESTIONS TO ASK. I WAS FINDING SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS FOR SINGLE PARENTS. I WAS EVEN LOOKING FOR ANOTHER SINGLE MOM TO SHARE A HOME WITH THROUGH AN ORGANIZATION I FOUND ON-LINE. I WAS MAKING PLANS FOR OUR FUTURE TOGETHER. JUST MY BABY AND ME. AND THAT WAS MORE THAN ALL RIGHT BY ME.

I DID A LOT OF PRAYING FOR MY BABY. I PRAYED BEFORE I ATE AND DRANK DAILY. ALWAYS MAKING SURE I ATE HEALTHY (ONCE I GOT PASSED THE EXTENDED MORNING (ALL DAY) SICKNESS THAT LASTED WELL PAST MY FIRST TRIMESTER). SLEEP WAS ALREADY GETTING HARD AND I PRAYED THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW ME TO SLEEP ENOUGH TO KEEP MY BODY FUNCTIONING ENOUGH TO KEEP MY BABY OUT OF HARM'S WAY. I WOULD WORRY ABOUT MY OWN LACK OF SLEEP SOME OTHER TIME. I EVEN MADE SURE THAT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ATE WITH ME THAT THEY PRAYED FOR MY BABY AS WELL. I AM SURE PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A BIT OVERBOARD SOMETIMES, BUT I HAD A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME AND I NEEDED ALL OF THE PRAYER I COULD GET.

I DID NOT HAVE MUCH SUPPORT BUT I DIDN'T LET THAT SPOIL MY JOY. MY MOTHER WAS FINDING IT HARD TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. SHE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS SO HAPPY. AND SHE CONFESSED THAT SHE WAS NOT READY TO BE A GRANDMOTHER. MY GRANDMOTHER THOUGHT MY FIRST DECISION WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST CHOICE BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD BE HARD. I KNEW THAT BUT THE EXCITEMENT OF MY BABY COMING MADE ME FEEL LIKE I COULD DO ANYTHING. MY GRANDFATHER WAS VERY EXCITED, AS WERE MY TWO YOUNGER SIBLINGS. ALL MY GRANDFATHER TALKED ABOUT WAS WHEN THE BABY ARRIVED THAT WE HAD TO TAKE A 5 GENERATION PICTURE WITH HIS MOTHER, WHO IS MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER, MY MOTHER, HIM, THE BABY, AND MYSELF. MY SIBLINGS WERE OVERJOYED AT THE IDEA OF HAVING A NIECE OR A NEPHEW. MY SISTER WOULD WAIT ON ME HAND AND FOOT EVERYDAY. BOTH MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE ALWAYS CHECKING ON ME AND TELLING ME THE THINGS THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE BABY. MOST OF MY FRIENDS WERE IN TOTAL SUPPORT OF ME THE ENTIRE TIME. I LOVE THEM DEARLY FOR THAT. IF IT WEREN'T FOR SOME OF THEM I WOULD HAVE NEVER MADE IT THROUGH SOME DAYS. I WILL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL FOR THOSE SHOULDERS THAT WERE ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR ME TO CRY ON AS NEEDED OR TO REMIND ME OF THE JOY THIS BABY WOULD BRING UPON ARRIVAL ON THOSE DAYS I WAS WORRIED ABOUT WHAT WAS TO COME. I HAD ALSO DECIDED THAT EVEN THOUGH MY FATHER AND I HAD NOT EVER BEEN CLOSE, I WAS GOING TO ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE I WANTED MY BABY TO KNOW ITS GRANDFATHER. MY DAD WAS HAPPY. I REMEMBER HE SAID "MY BABY'S GONNA HAVE A BABY." HE RUBBED MY ALREADY ROUND BELLY AND WAS HOPING FOR A LITTLE GIRL. THAT WAS SUCH A WARM FEELING. HE HAD ALREADY BEGUN TO REFER TO THE BABY HIS GRANDDAUGHTER.

THE FIRST TIME I FELT MY BABY MOVE WAS ON JUNE 6, 2003. I WAS BUSY AT WORK. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS AT FIRST. THEN IT HAPPENED A SECOND TIME. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN HOW OVERJOYED I WAS TO FEEL THOSE LITTLE FLUTTERS. IT WAS LIKE A REAL CONFIRMATION THAT LIFE WAS INSIDE OF MY WOMB. I WROTE A LETTER TO MY BABY LATER THAT DAY BECAUSE THAT WAS SOMETHING I NEVER WANTED TO FORGET. I HAD ALREADY BEGUN TO SHOW AND WAS TAKING PICTURES TO COMPARE THE SIZE OF MY BELLY EACH MONTH. I WANTED TO HAVE AS MANY MEMORIES AS POSSIBLE FOR THE SCRAPBOOK I PLANNED TO MAKE. I WAS SO PROUD OF MY GROWING BELLY. ON JUNE 13, I FINALLY MADE THE DECISION TO KEEP THE SEX OF THE BABY A SECRET. I HAD GONE BACK AND FORTH ABOUT FINDING OUT. AT TIMES THE SUSPENSE WOULD KILL ME.

ON JUNE 23, 2003 I WENT TO HAVE MY THIRD ULTRASOUND. THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST. THE BABY WAS DUE ON NOVEMBER 17, 2003. I SAW IT MOVING AROUND AND EVEN SUCKING ITS THUMB. WHAT AN ACTIVE LITTLE PERSON I HAD IN THERE. I KNOW I WAS GLOWING WHEN I WALKED OUT OF THAT OFFICE. I FELT SO GOOD EVEN THOUGH I WAS AS BIG AS A HOUSE ALREADY. IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO ROLL TO MY SIDE WHEN THE TECHNICIAN ASKED. IT WAS LIKE I WAS STUCK. PEOPLE WONDERED IF I WAS HAVING TWINS! THE ULTRASOUND PICTURES I GOT THAT DAY WERE REAL PICTURES, NOT THE FLIMSY PAPER THAT EVENTUALLY FADES THE IMAGE. EVERYONE WAS AMAZED WHEN I SHOWED THEM. THEY SHOWED A VERY CLEAR IMAGE OF MY PERFECT LITTLE BABY WHO I WAS GETTING ANXIOUS TO MEET.

MY HAPPINESS WAS INTERRUPTED ONCE AGAIN WHEN MY DOCTOR CALLED ME AT WORK ON JULY 1ST TO TELL ME THAT I NEEDED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT AT MERCY HOSPITAL'S HIGH RISK PREGNANCY CENTER TO SEE A GENETIC COUNSELOR. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS BUT I KNEW IT WAS NOT GOOD. NATURALLY, I PANICKED. APPARENTLY WHEN I HAD MY ULTRASOUND THERE WERE TWO SMALL WHITE SPOTS ON THE BABY'S HEART WHICH DOCTORS CALL SOFT MARKERS. SOFT MARKERS ARE SOMETIMES INDICATORS OF CHROMOSOMAL DEFECTS SUCH AS DOWNS SYNDROME. I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT MY LITTLE LOVE. I MADE A TEARFUL CALL TO MERCY TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. THE RECEPTIONIST TRIED TO EASE MY FEARS BY TELLING ME THAT SHE SEES PEOPLE LIKE ME OFTEN AND IT USUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE NOTHING. I WAS NOT PUT AT EASE THAT DAY, BUT SOMETIME BETWEEN THAT DAY AND THE DAY OF MY APPOINTMENT I STOPPED WORRYING. I HAD TO WAIT A WEEK BEFORE I COULD BE SEEN. I HAD A SPECIAL PRAYER THAT YOU SAY FOR YOUR UNBORN CHILD FROM A BOOK I'D BOUGHT. I READ IT OFTEN. I DECIDED THAT IF MY BABY HAD DOWNS SYNDROME, I WOULD NOT LOVE HIM OR HER ANY LESS THAN I ALREADY DID.

I WENT IN FOR MY APPOINTMENT ON JULY 8TH. THE TECHNICIAN LOOKED FOR OTHER SIGNS OF DOWNS SYNDROME. SHE DID NOT FIND ANY. SHE WAS ALSO ABLE TO SEE ALL FOUR CHAMBERS OF THE HEART, WHICH THE PREVIOUS TECHNICIAN WAS NOT ABLE TO SEE BECAUSE THE BABY WOULD NOT COOPERATE. SHE TOOK A VIDEO TAPE OF THE ULTRASOUND. MY BABY WAS BUSY AS USUAL IN THERE. IT WAS SO NEAT TO WATCH MY BABY TUMBLING AROUND, OPENING AND CLOSING ITS HANDS, AND EVEN TURNING ITS HEAD TO LOOK AT US. THE HEARTBEAT WAS RECORDED ON THE TAPE TOO. IT WAS SO LOUD AND FAST. I GOT SOME REALLY GREAT ULTRASOUND PICTURES THAT DAY TOO. ONE WAS OF THE HAND LIKE THE BABY WAS WAVING. THE TECHNICIAN TYPED "HELLO FAMILY" ON THE PICTURE. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ADORABLE. MY NEXT STEP WOULD HAVE BEEN TO DO AN AMNIOCENTESIS BUT I SAID NO. I WOULD HAVE BEEN A NERVOUS WRECK BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE WORRIED ABOUT DAMAGE OF THE PLACENTA, WHICH CAN CAUSE A MISCARRIAGE. PLUS, THE TECHNICIAN WAS HONEST ENOUGH TO TELL ME THAT SHE DID NOT THINK I HAD ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I ASKED THE GENETIC COUNSELOR IF THERE WAS ANY ADVANTAGE TO KNOWING EARLY IF A BABY HAD DOWNS SYNDROME AND SHE SAID NO. AND LASTLY, MY LESS THAN 1% CHANCE HAD DECREASED EVEN MORE AFTER THE SECOND LEVEL ULTRASOUND. THAT IS WHY I DID NOT DO ANY FURTHER TESTING. AND IT DIDN'T SEEM AS THOUGH GOD WANTED ME TO WORRY, SO I DIDN'T.

THE NEXT WEEK AND A HALF WAS GOOD. I WAS TIRED AND MY FEET HAD SWOLLEN SO MUCH BUT I DIDN'T CARE. I HAD TO GO OUT AND BUY NEW SHOES TO WEAR. I HATED THAT BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE BIG FEET, I JUST HOPED THEY WOULD GO BACK TO NORMAL AFTER I HAD THE BABY. I WAS STILL READING TO THE BABY EVERYDAY. AND I NOW UNDERSTOOD WHY PREGNANT WOMEN RUB THEIR BELLIES SO MUCH. ITS TOO EXCITING NOT TO. AT THIS POINT I HAD STOPPED THINKING OF HAVING A BOY. I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE BUT I HAD STRONG FEELINGS THAT I WAS HAVING A GIRL. I WOULD WALK INTO A STORE AND GO STRAIGHT TO LITTLE GIRL'S THINGS WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING. PEOPLE ALWAYS HAD THEIR THEORIES ABOUT THE SEX OF THE BABY BUT MOST OF THEM ARE JUST OLD WIVES TALES. NOT MUCH REALLY BOTHERED ME THOSE DAYS. SOMETIMES I WAS TOO TIRED TO DEAL WITH THINGS, BUT THE MAIN REASON WAS THAT I WANTED TO MAKE SURE MY STRESS LEVELS STAYED LOW. I WAS CONVINCED STRESS HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY EARLIER BLEEDING SPELLS. AND I NEVER WANTED TO SEE ANY OF THAT AGAIN. I WAS WALKING ON AIR WAITING FOR THAT DAY IN NOVEMBER TO COME SO I COULD MEET MY BABY.

SWEET NOVEMBER NEVER CAME. ON JULY 19, 2003 I WENT TO MY MOTHERS COMPANY PICNIC AT OREGON RIDGE PARK. I WENT LATE BECAUSE I HAD BEEN IN BED MOST OF THE DAY. I WILL ALWAYS WONDER IF I WOULD HAVE HAD THE SAME OUTCOME IF I HAD GONE ALONG WITH MY ORIGINAL PLAN TO REMAIN IN BED ALL DAY. AS I WAS WALKING UP THE HILL I FELT LIKE I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. THEN I FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS LEAKING. I THOUGHT, OH NO! I'D BEEN WORRIED ABOUT PEEING ON MYSELF BECAUSE I'D HEARD PREGNANT WOMEN DO THAT. SO, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM. WHEN I SAW BLOOD, I WISHED I HAD PEED ON MYSELF. I PANICKED. I WENT TO FIND MY MOTHER AND TELL HER I WAS LEAVING RIGHT AWAY. SHE CARRIED MY BAG AND WALKED ME TO MY CAR. SHE TOLD ME TO CALL HER WHEN I GOT HOME. AS I DROVE BACK HOME I PRAYED TO GOD THAT MY BABY WAS SAFE THROUGH TEAR-FILLED EYES. I TALKED TO MY BABY WHO SEEMED TO BE LESS ACTIVE THAN USUAL THAT DAY. I PRAYED GOD WOULD ALLOW ME TO FEEL A KICK. FINALLY, THE BABY MOVED WHICH LESSENED MY FEAR A TINY BIT. BUT THERE WAS STILL THE BLOOD. I WAS SO TIRED OF SEEING BLOOD OVER THESE PAST 6 MONTHS.

I CALLED THE DOCTOR WHEN I GOT BACK HOME. SHE TOLD ME TO REST AND SEE IF THE BLEEDING WOULD STOP SINCE I WAS NOT HAVING ANY PAIN. I PUT MY FEET UP AND LAY ON THE BED. A FEW HOURS LATER THE BLEEDING HAD SLOWED DOWN BUT I WAS IN SOME PAIN BY THEN. I CALLED THE DOCTOR AGAIN AND SHE TOLD ME TO GO TO THE 16TH FLOOR AT MERCY HOSPITAL RIGHT AWAY. I CALLED MY MOTHER AND SHE CAME TO TAKE ME. I WAS WORRIED NOW MORE THAN EVER. THE DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL SEEMED TO TAKE FOREVER. THEN THE WALK FROM THE GARAGE INTO THE HOSPITAL SEEMED EVEN LONGER. ONCE I REGISTERED ON THE FLOOR I WAS TAKEN INTO A ROOM TO WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR ON CALL TO EXAMINE ME. I HAD GONE TO THE BATHROOM AND THE BLEEDING WAS BACK AND HEAVIER THAN BEFORE. ONCE THE DOCTOR TOOK A LOOK ON THE ULTRASOUND, HE CHECKED FOR A HEARTBEAT. THE HEARTBEAT WAS THERE AND SOUNDED GOOD. LOUD AND FAST AS USUAL. BUT SOMETHING ELSE WAS WRONG. I COULD TELL BY THE LOOK ON HIS FACE. IT WAS CONFIRMED WHEN ANOTHER DOCTOR ENTERED THE ROOM ALONG WITH WHAT SEEMED LIKE A MILLION MORE PEOPLE. THEY WERE TALKING TO EACH OTHER AND LOOKING AT THE ULTRASOUND SCREEN.

THEN, THE TERRIBLE NEWS THAT UPSET MY INSIDES TO HEAR WAS VOICED. THEY TOLD ME I WAS FULLY DILATED AND WOULD DELIVER MY BABY RIGHT AWAY. WHAT???!!!! WHAT WERE THEY SAYING? THAT COULDN'T BE RIGHT! MY BABY WAS DUE IN NOVEMBER! IT WAS ONLY JULY! I WAS ONLY 23 WEEKS PREGNANT! PEOPLE DON'T HAVE BABY'S AT 23 WEEKS! AT 6 MONTHS! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NINE MONTHS! THE LUNGS HAD NOT DEVELOPED YET! HOW WOULD THE BABY BREATHE? OH NO! I HAVE NOT EVEN PICKED NAMES! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME! PEOPLE WERE TALKING TO ME BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. I WAS TERRIFIED. I WAS IN SHOCK.

NEXT, I REMEMBER THEM WHEELING THE BED AWAY SOMEWHERE OUT OF THAT ROOM. I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE TAKING ME. I WAS SCREAMING, AND CRYING HYSTERICALLY. ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMEONE GRABBED MY HAND AND ASKED ME IF I BELIEVED IN GOD. I COULDN'T FOCUS ON HER FACE BUT I HEARD HER. I THINK I NODDED MY HEAD YES AND SHE BEGAN TO PRAY FOR MY BABY RIGHT IN MY EAR. I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER WHAT SHE SAID TO ME. I WAS NOT COHERENT AT ALL. I WAS JUST CRYING. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY I NEVER DELIVERED THAT NIGHT. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE ROOM I WAS IN LOOKED LIKE. I REMEMBER FRIENDS AND FAMILY SAYING WHAT A NICE VIEW THERE WAS OUT OF MY WINDOW. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A WINDOW.

ANYWAY, I WAS PUT ON AN IV OF MAGNESIUM SULFATE TO STOP CONTRACTIONS ALTHOUGH THEY DID NOT THINK I WAS HAVING ANY. I WAS ALSO GIVEN A PILL A FEW TIMES A DAY TO TRY TO STOP MY CERVIX FROM OPENING ANY FURTHER. THEY PUT ME IN BED IN A POSITION CALLED TRENDELENBERG. IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I WAS PRACTICALLY SLEEPING UPSIDE DOWN. MY HEAD WAS CLOSE TO THE FLOOR AND MY FEET AND HIPS WERE RAISED. THIS WAS DONE TO TRY TO KEEP PRESSURE OFF OF MY CERVIX. MY MEMBRANES WERE DOING WHAT IS CALLED HOUR-GLASSING. THEY WERE BULGING OUT. THIS IS WHY IT LOOKED LIKE I HAD FULLY DILATED. I WAS NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO GET OUT OF THE BED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO EAT ANYTHING AT FIRST AND THEN I WAS ON A CLEAR LIQUID DIET. I COULD DRINK JUST ABOUT ANYTHING, EAT SOUP BROTH, JELL-O, AND ITALIAN ICE. BUT I DIDN'T CARE BECAUSE I WAS SO OUT OF IT FROM THE MEDICATION. AND I FIGURED IT WOULD ALL BE WORTH IT TO ENSURE MY BABY'S SAFETY. THEY WERE ALSO GIVING ME BENADRYL TO GET ME TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. THE MAGNESIUM MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE BODY WAS ON FIRE. MY MOTHER WAS FEEDING ME ICE CHIPS, PUTTING ICE CHIPS INTO A WET RAG TO PLACE ON MY FOREHEAD, I HAD A FAN BLOWING ON ME FULL BLAST, AND THE AIR HAD BEEN TURNED ALL THE WAY DOWN TO 55. I WAS STILL BURNING UP.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'D HAD MY BLOOD DRAWN BUT I WAS TIRED OF BEING STUCK WITH NEEDLES. MY VEINS WERE SO SORE. THE IV HURT. I WAS NOW WAITING TO HAVE AN ULTRASOUND DONE ON MONDAY TO DETERMINE JUST HOW MANY CENTIMETERS I HAD DILATED AND TO GET AN ESTIMATE OF HOW MUCH THE BABY WEIGHED. SINCE I WAS SO EARLY THE DOCTORS TOLD ME THAT THE BABY NEEDED TO WEIGH AT LEAST 500 GRAMS IN ORDER TO HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF SURVIVING. IF THE BABY WERE SMALLER IT MAY BE IMPOSSIBLE TO INSERT A BREATHING TUBE INTO THE ESOPHAGUS. AND AS I SAID BEFORE, THE LUNGS WERE NOT YET DEVELOPED. SO MONDAY CAME. IT TOOK FOREVER TO ARRIVE, THEN I HAD TO WAIT ALL DAY TO BE SEEN. FINALLY, I WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO THE SAME HIGH RISK PREGNANCY CENTER I HAD BEEN IN ALMOST 2 WEEKS AGO. THEY WERE SURPRISED TO SEE ME BACK. TRUST ME, I DID NOT WANT TO BE SEEING THEM EITHER. WHEN THE ULTRASOUND WAS DONE THEY BABY SHOWED TO WEIGH 580 GRAMS. I WAS ONLY DILATED 3 CM. BUT THE BABY WAS NOW IN THE BREACH POSITION. WHY COULDN'T SHE HAVE SAID EVERYTHING LOOKED GOOD AND I COULD GO HOME AND WAIT FOR NOVEMBER? NONE OF THIS WAS REALLY GOOD NEWS. THE DOCTORS DID TELL ME THAT A BABY SO SMALL COULD BE DELIVERED BREACH. THERE WAS NO POSSIBILITY OF A CESAREAN BEING DONE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HIGH OF A RISK FOR ME. SO, I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM AGAIN TO WAIT IT OUT. THE GOAL WAS TO KEEP ME PREGNANT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. NO ONE KNEW HOW LONG THAT WOULD BE. THE DOCTORS WANTED ME TO GET TO AT LEAST 24 WEEKS. THEN I WOULD PROBABLY GET STEROID SHOTS TO HELP THE BABY'S LUNGS MATURE. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE COULDN'T JUST GIVING ME THE DAMN SHOTS THEN! TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS WAS STILL 5 DAYS AWAY.

I WAS STILL PRAYING AND I HAD A LOT OF FAITH. I FELT THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE ALL RIGHT, SOMEHOW. I JUST KNEW I COULD MAKE IT TO 24 WEEKS WITHOUT A PROBLEM. SO MANY PEOPLE WERE CALLING AND TELLING ME OF THEIR EARLY DELIVERY SUCCESS STORIES. THIS ADDED TO MY CONFIDENCE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I WAS STILL VERY WORRIED. AFTER ALL, I WAS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL. I HAD LOTS OF VISITORS TOO. PEOPLE WHO I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WELL CALLED AND CAME BY. ONE WOMAN CAME BY AND PRAYED FOR MY BABY. I WILL NEVER FORGET HER ASKING IF SHE COULD RUB MY BELLY AS SHE PRAYED. I DON'T REMEMBER HER WORDS BUT HER VOICE WAS SO SWEET THAT I RELAXED WHILE SHE PRAYED FOR MY LITTLE ONE AND ME. HER NAME WAS LISA. SHE EVEN TALKED DIRECTLY TO MY BELLY. I FELT MY BABY HAD BEEN BLESSED. SURELY HE OR SHE WOULD BE ALL RIGHT NOW.

THE NEXT NIGHT AS I WAS TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE AND ATTEMPT TO SLEEP UPSIDE DOWN, I FELT A BIG GUSH OF WARM FLUID. OH, LORD! NO! I BURST IN TO TEARS. I KNEW IT WAS ALL OVER THEN. MY WATER HAD BROKEN. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST 24 WEEKS BEFORE THIS HAPPENED. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY BABY? GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY BABY! I LOVE MY BABY MORE THAN ANYTHING, MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF! MY BEST FRIEND WAS THERE WITH ME TRYING TO CALM ME DOWN BUT IT WAS NO USE. SHE READ ME PRAYERS AND CALLED MY MOTHER TO COME BACK TO THE HOSPITAL. WHEN THE DOCTORS CAME IN THEY CHECKED TO MAKE SURE IT WAS ACTUALLY AMNIOTIC FLUID AND IT WAS. THE BED WAS SOAKING WET. I COULD STILL FEEL THE FLUID LEAKING OUT EVERY FEW MINUTES. I WAS SO SCARED. I FELT ILL.

THE NEXT THING THE DOCTORS TOLD ME TOTALLY SHOCKED ME. I HAD BEEN WONDERING WHY THEY SEEMED SO CALM AND A WHOLE MASS OF PEOPLE HAD NOT SWARMED INTO MY ROOM YET. THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE NOT GOING TO INDUCE ME TO BEGIN LABOR YET. WE WOULD STILL WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. THAT SOUNDED LIKE RELIEF UNTIL THEY TOLD ME THE REST. I WAS TOLD THAT MOST LIKELY I WOULD SPIKE A FEVER, WHICH MEANT AN INFECTION HAD OCCURRED AND THEN I WOULD BE INDUCED. THAT SOUNDED SO CRAZY AND CRUEL. WHY WOULD THEY RISK ALL OF THAT HAPPENING? THE BABY WAS TOO SMALL TO FIGHT OFF AN INFECTION WHILE FIGHTING TO BREATHE AT THE SAME TIME. IT WAS TOO MUCH. I ASKED OVER AND OVER WHY THEY WOULD NOT DO A CESAREAN AND I HATED THE ANSWER EVERY TIME. THE RISK WAS TOO HIGH FOR ME. DIDN'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT I WANTED TO TAKE A RISK TO SAVE MY BABY? THAT I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT MY BABY? THE NURSE TOLD ME I NEEDED TO TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP. WAS SHE CRAZY? HOW IN THE HELL DID SHE THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO SLEEP WHILE WAITING FOR SOME INFECTION TO CREEP INTO MY BODY AND MAKE ME HAVE TO DELIVER MY TINY LITTLE BABY WHO HAD NOT YET FINISHED GROWING?

I ENDED UP TAKING A SLEEPING AID CALLED AMBIEN AROUND 1:00 AM. THE LAST TIME I REMEMBER LOOKING AT THE CLOCK AFTER TAKING THE PILL WAS AT 1:10 AM. WHEN I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK AGAIN IT WAS 3:00 AM. I WOKE UP THINKING I HAD BEEN SHOPPING IN THE GROCERY STORE, CLIMBING MOUNTAINS, AND SKATEBOARDING. I WAS HALLUCINATING. THIS REALLY FREAKED ME OUT. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS GOING ON? I WAS ACTUALLY MOVING MY LEGS, ARMS AND HANDS LIKE I WAS REALLY EXPERIENCING THESE THINGS RIGHT THERE IN MY HOSPITAL BED. THAT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY. MY MOM AND MY FRIEND WERE STILL THERE. THEY HAD BEEN THERE FAITHFULLY EVERYDAY AND NIGHT. SO, I WOKE THEM UP TO TELL THEM. THEY LAUGHED AT ME AND TOLD ME TO GO BACK TO SLEEP. I TRIED TO CLOSE MY EYES AND SLEEP BUT AS SOON AS I DID I WOULD SEE MYSELF DOING SOMETHING ELSE. FINALLY, IT WAS MORNING AND THAT WAS ALL OVER. I HATED PUTTING ALL OF THESE MEDICINES IN MY BODY. I REFUSED TO EVEN TAKE ANY OF THE MEDICINE MY DOCTOR APPROVED WHENEVER I WAS SICK DURING MY PREGNANCY. I WILL ALWAYS WONDER IF THEY DID HARM TO MY BABY.

THE FOLLOWING EVENING I HAD A TEMPERATURE. THE NURSES HAD BEEN TAKING MY TEMPERATURE EVERY HOUR OR SO AND I DREADED THE RESULTS EACH AND EVERY TIME. THIS TIME I ALREADY KNEW. I COULD FEEL THAT I HAD A FEVER. WHY WOULDN'T THEY JUST CUT ME OPEN AND TAKE MY BABY OUT NOW? I JUST KNEW THE INFECTION HAD TO AFFECT THE BABY TOO. HOW COULD IT NOT? I ALSO HAD STOPPED FEELING THE BABY BE AS ACTIVE. SOMETHING WAS WRONG. AND I KNEW WHAT WAS NEXT. THE NURSE STARTED TO INDUCE ME WITH PITOCIN IN MY IV A LITTLE AFTER 7:00 PM. SHE INCREASED THE DOSAGE EVERY 20 MINUTES TO SPEED UP THE CONTRACTIONS. THEY BECAME MORE AND MORE INTENSE. AT FIRST I WOULD GET A BREAK IN BETWEEN BUT THEN THE CONTRACTIONS WERE BACK TO BACK. NO TIME TO BREATHE. THEY WERE NOT EXTREMELY PAINFUL BUT VERY UNCOMFORTABLE; ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THAT MY BODY HAD BEEN THROUGH IN THE PAST FEW DAYS. I THINK SOMEHOW I DOZED OFF TO SLEEP FOR A LITTLE BIT. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG; I JUST KNOW I DIDN'T HEAR ANY VOICES FOR A WHILE. THEN IT WAS TIME TO PUSH. AFTER THE FIRST PUSH I LET OUT A SCREAM. THE NURSE TOLD ME NOT TO DO THAT THE NEXT TIME AND TO USE THAT ENERGY TO TAKE A BREATH AND CONTINUE TO PUSH. SHE WAS HOLDING MY LEG UP ON ONE SIDE AND MY MOTHER WAS HOLDING THE OTHER. I DID THIS ABOUT THREE MORE TIMES. I FELT A POP. AND IT WAS OVER.

MY DOCTOR INFORMED ME THAT THE PLACENTA HAD NOT COME OUT YET AND WAS PREPARING TO HAVE TO TAKE ME TO THE O. R. TO SURGICALLY REMOVE IT. HADN'T I ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH? NOW SHE WAS TELLING ME THERE WAS MORE! FORTUNATELY, THE PLACENTA CAME OUT ON ITS OWN WITH ONE MORE PUSH A FEW MINUTES LATER. I COULD TELL MY DOCTOR WAS RELIEVED. I WAS EXHAUSTED. I HAD MY EYES CLOSED THE ENTIRE TIME. I HAD NOT EVEN OPENED THEM YET.

I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO HEAR MY BABY CRY BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN BABIES ARE BORN THAT SMALL A LOT OF TIMES THEY DO NOT CRY. BUT I STILL HAD HOPE THAT MY BABY WAS ALIVE. THEN MY DOCTOR CAME BACK INTO THE ROOM. SHE APOLOGIZED AND TOLD ME THE HORRIBLE OUTCOME. THE BABY DID NOT MAKE IT. THERE WAS NO HEARTBEAT. DEEP DOWN I KNEW. I KNEW WHEN THE NURSE USED THE DOPPLER AND PICKED UP ON MY HEARTBEAT THE LAST TIME SHE CHECKED FOR THE BABY'S. THAT HAD NEVER HAPPENED ANY OF THE OTHER TIMES. I HAD JUST HELD ONTO HOPE THAT THE DOCTOR COULD SAVE MY BABY. WE WERE IN A HOSPITAL. THAT'S WHAT HOSPITALS DO. THEY SAVE PEOPLE. EVEN TINY BABIES BORN TOO SOON, RIGHT?

MIRACLE WAS BORN BREACH AND ASLEEP AT 9:30 PM. MY DAUGHTER DID NOT HAVE A HEARTBEAT AND SHE DIED. I FELT LIKE THE BOTTOM HAD DROPPED OUT FROM UNDER ME. HOW COULD THIS BE? WHY COULDN'T THEY SAVE HER? OH, MY BABY. HOW COULD I LOSE MY BABY? MY OWN BODY HAD FAILED TO KEEP HER SAFE. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? I WOULD NEVER GET TO TAKE HER HOME, HEAR HER CRY, FEED HER, CHANGE HER DIAPER, SEE HER EYES, SEE HER SMILE, OR ROCK HER TO SLEEP. I WOULD NEVER HEAR HER FIRST WORD, SEE HER FIRST STEP, TAKE HER TO HER FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, SEE HER OFF TO PROM, PACK HER BELONGINGS FOR COLLEGE, WITNESS THE BIRTH OF HER OWN CHILDRENNOTHING. ALL OF THAT WAS GONE IN A MATTER OF DAYS. I CARRIED HER FOR SIX MONTHS AND IT WAS ALL TAKEN AWAY IN A FEW DAYS. IT JUST DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. MY FUTURE. OUR FUTURE. HOPES AND DREAMS

I ASKED MY NURSE WHERE SHE WAS. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO HOLD HER. THAT REQUEST CAME OUT WITHOUT A THOUGHT. MAYBE I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT AND I NEEDED TO SEE FOR MYSELF. SHE SAID THEY WERE GETTING HER DRESSED AND CLEAN AND THEN THEY WOULD BRING HER TO ME. SO, I WAITED TO HOLD MY LITTLE SLEEPING ANGEL. THE MINUTES PASSED SLOWLY. WHEN SHE CAME IN SHE WAS SO TINY. SHE WEIGHED ONE POUND SIX OUNCES AND WAS 13 INCHES LONG. HER SKIN WAS DARK AND BRUISED FROM THE DELIVERY. HER HAIR WAS JET BLACK AND SHE HAD DARK EYEBROWS. AND SHE HAD HER MOMMIES COMPLEXION. I THOUGHT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL. SHE HAD ON A LITTLE WHITE KNITTED OUTFIT WITH A HOOD AND MATCHING BOOTIES. I TALKED TO HER AND TOLD HER HOW MUCH I LOVED HER. I TOLD HER IT WAS OK THAT SHE WAS TIRED AND NEEDED TO STOP FIGHTING. I TOLD MY FIRST AND ONLY CHILD THAT IT WAS OK TO LEAVE ME, AS SHE LAY ASLEEP IN MY ARMS. IT WAS KILLING ME TO SAY THOSE WORDS. I WANTED HER HERE WITH ME, ALIVE AND WELL. BUT SHE WAS GONE.

THE HOSPITAL PRIEST CAME UP AND PRAYED FOR HER AS I HELD HER IN MY ARMS. THEN MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS SAID A FEW TEARFUL WORDS. ALL I COULD THINK WAS THAT THIS WAS GOING TO KILL ME. MY INSIDES WERE ACHING. I MUST HAVE KISSED HER A MILLION TIMES BEFORE I GAVE HER BACK TO MY NURSE. IT WAS TORTURE TO WATCH HER CARRY PART OF ME OUT OF THAT ROOM. I KNEW THAT PART WOULD NEVER RETURN. I TOLD HER I WOULD SEE HER AND HOLD HER AGAIN WHEN I GOT TO HEAVEN AND THAT TIME IT WOULD BE FOREVER. I WOULD NEVER EVER LET HER GO AGAIN.

ONCE I LET HER GO I JUST CRIED AND CRIED. I FELT SO EMPTY. WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO? HOW WOULD I MANAGE? I HAD BEEN LIVING IN IGNORANT BLISS. I NEVER IMAGINED ANYTHING LIKE THIS COULD OR WOULD EVER HAPPEN. AND I NEVER IMAGINED MY HEART COULD BREAK SO MUCH. I COULD FEEL THE PAIN. IT WAS SO DEEP, LIKE A DEEP PIERCING ACHE IN MY SOUL. WHERE DID THEY TAKE HER? WAS ANYONE HOLDING HER OR WAS SHE ALONE? I DON'T WANT HER TO BE ALONE FOREVER. I DON'T WANT TO BE WITHOUT HER FOREVER. SHE NEEDS ME. SHE NEEDS HER MOM. I NEED HER.

ALL OF A SUDDEN I FREAKED OUT! I WANTED HER BACK. I DIDN'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH HER AND SHE WOULD BE GONE FOREVER. I CALLED FOR THE NURSE TO BRING HER BACK. SHE SAID SHE WOULD AS SOON AS THEY FINISHED TAKING HER PICTURES. I HAD REALIZED THAT I NEVER UNWRAPPED HER BLANKET. I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. I NEEDED TO COUNT HER FINGERS AND TOES. I NEEDED TO LOOK AT HER HAIR AND EVEN HER LITTLE BUTT. SO, THAT'S WHAT I DID. WHEN I LOOKED AT HER HAND I COULD SEE WHAT HER COMPLEXION WOULD HAVE REALLY LOOKED LIKE. IT DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE BEEN MINE. I WRAPPED HER LITTLE TINY FINGERS AROUND ONE OF MY FINGERS. ONCE I FELT I HAD STUDIED HER THOROUGHLY AND HAD MEMORIZED EVERY INCH OF HER, I KISSED HER A MILLION MORE TIMES. THEN I PUT HER CLOTHES BACK ON AND WRAPPED HER UP AGAIN. THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME I WOULD EVER PUT HER CLOTHES ON OR WRAP HER UP IN A BLANKET. I SAT UP AND PLACED HER ON MY RAISED KNEES AND TALKED TO HER AGAIN. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEND HER BACK THIS TIME. I HAD ASKED EVERYONE TO LEAVE. WE WERE ALONE. I WANTED TO JUST PICK HER UP AND RUN HOME WITH HER. I JUST STARED AND STARED AT HER. SHE WAS PERFECT. BEAUTIFUL. SHE WAS MINE. MY LITTLE LOVE. MY WHOLE HEART WAS IN THAT PETITE LITTLE BODY.

I STILL FEEL TO THIS DAY THAT I DIDN'T HOLD HER LONG ENOUGH. I SHOULD HAVE KEPT HER THROUGH THE NIGHT. MAYBE EVEN UNTIL I LEFT THE HOSPITAL. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN MORE PICTURES OF HER. I HAVE A FEW BUT I ALWAYS THINK OF A DIFFERENT WAY I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE. I KNOW IT SEEMS A BIT MORBID TO MANY PEOPLE TO HAVE PICTURES OF A DECEASED CHILD. BUT, UNLESS YOU GO THROUGH LOSING A CHILD YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANY IDEA. I NEVER DID BEFORE THIS HAPPENED EITHER. I WAS ROBBED OF BEING ABLE TO CREATE MEMORIES WITH HER. SO, HER PICTURES AND CLOTHES ARE ALL THAT REMAIN WITH ME.

I REMAINED IN THE HOSPITAL FOR TWO MORE DAYS. I WAS VERY SICK. I WANTED TO STAY SICK. I DESERVED TO BE SICK AND DIE TOO. MY TEMPERATURE WOULD RISE, FALL AND THEN RISE EVEN HIGHER. I WOULD BREAK OUT INTO SWEATS AND THEN HAVE FREEZING COLD CHILLS. I WAS MOVED TWO FLOORS DOWN TO THE 14TH FLOOR. I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE THAT FLOOR I WAS ON. I HAD COME THERE TO HAVE A BABY AND NOW I WAS BEING MOVED TO A FLOOR WHERE THEY TREAT OTHER PATIENTS. I WAS NO LONGER ABLE TO BE ON THE LABOR AND DELIVERY FLOOR. I HAD NO BABY. MY FEVER FINALLY BROKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON THURSDAY. FRIDAY MY DOCTOR ASKED ME IF I WAS READY TO GO HOME. HOME? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THERE? I BURST INTO TEARS AND TOLD HER NO! HOW COULD I GO HOME WITH EMPTY ARMS? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE MY BABY THERE IN A COLD HOSPITAL MORGUE? I WANTED TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL WITH HER. I HAD NO REASON TO GO HOME.

AT THAT POINT I HAD A VERY STRONG DESIRE TO SEE MIRACLE AGAIN. I THOUGHT MY DOCTOR, FAMILY AND FRIENDS WOULD THINK I WAS NUTS FOR SURE IF I VOICED THAT THOUGHT. LITTLE DID I KNOW AT THE TIME THAT WAS NOT AN UNUSUAL REQUEST. I LATER FOUND OUT FROM OTHER MOMS WHO HAVE LOST THAT IT IS MY RIGHT TO HAVE MY BABY WHENEVER I LIKE, AS LONG AS I CHOOSE, AND AS LONG AS I REMAIN IN THE HOSPITAL. MANY OF THESE MOMS FELT THE SAME WAY. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN. BUT, AT THE TIME I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE. ALMOST AS IF SHE NO LONGER BELONGED TO ME. SO, I NEVER ASKED. I WILL ALWAYS WISH THAT I HAD.

BUT, OF COURSE I HAD TO LEAVE. I CRIED HYSTERICALLY ONCE AGAIN. I CLUTCHED THE PURPLE BOX I'D BEEN GIVEN WITH ALL OF MY BABY'S BELONGINGS INSIDE OF IT. I HUGGED IT SO TIGHT AND I ROCKED BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH. THAT BOX WAS ALL I HAD OF HER NOW. ALL I WOULD HAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. WAS I REALLY LIVING THIS NIGHTMARE? I WAS. AND IT WAS TIME TO PUT ON THE MATERNITY CLOTHES THAT I HAD COME TO THE HOSPITAL IN AND RETURN HOME WITH NO BELLY TO FILL THEM OUT. I HADN'T REALIZED THAT THOSE CLOTHES WERE STILL THERE.

THE RIDE HOME WAS LONG. WE HAD TO STOP AND GET MY MEDICATION. THAT TOOK FOREVER. I HELD THE PURPLE BOX ON MY LAP. IT SADDENED ME TO LOOK AT IT. THIS WAS NOT RIGHT. THIS WAS NOT MY BABY. AS WE DROVE OUT OF THE PARKING LOT, A LITTLE GIRL WALKED IN FRONT OF THE CAR. MY HEART SUNK. I WONDERED HOW OLD SHE WAS AND WHAT MIRACLE WOULD LOOK LIKE AT THAT AGE. BUT I WOULD NEVER KNOW. MY HEART BROKE ONCE AGAIN AND THE TEARS STREAMED. I SHOULD HAVE HELD HER LONGER. I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HER A BATH, CHANGED HER CLOTHES EVEN PUT A DIAPER ON HER, AND WALKED AROUND THE ROOM WITH HER. IF I'D ONLY. .

MY DAD WAS THERE TO MEET MY MOM AND I WHEN WE ARRIVED HOME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO HIS HOUSE FOR A WHILE BUT I DECIDED NOT TO. MY MOM ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS BETTER FOR ME TO BE HOME. HE UNDERSTOOD. I JUST WANTED TO GET IN MY BED AND STAY THERE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. EVERY NIGHT I WOULD WISH THAT I COULD GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP. BUT, I COULD NEVER GET TO SLEEP. I WOULD JUST LIE THERE STARING AT THE WALL AND CRY. THE PAIN I FELT WAS SO INTENSE. EMOTIONALLY AND EVEN PHYSICALLY I COULD FEEL A PIERCING IN THE PLACE WHERE MY HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. MY ENTIRE BODY FELT LIFELESS AND EMPTY. SOMETIMES I WOULD SWEAR THAT I FELT MY BABY KICK ME AND THAT I HAD AWAKEN FROM THIS NIGHTMARE. ONLY TO REACH DOWN TO RUB A BIG ROUND BELLY THAT WASN'T THERE ANY LONGER.

MY DOCTOR WOULD ASK ME IF MY BREASTS WERE SORE WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. THEY NEVER WERE. FINALLY, I KNEW WHY SHE WAS ASKING. MY MILK SUPPLY HAD COME IN. WAS THIS SOME SORT OF CRUEL JOKE? WHY IN THE WORLD DID THAT HAVE TO HAPPEN? I HAD NO BABY TO BREASTFEED! THE PAIN WAS EXCRUCIATING. IT WAS WORSE THAN ACTUALLY HAVING DELIVERED MIRACLE. I HAD TO WEAR A VERY TIGHT BRA ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I ALSO HAD TO SIT WITH PLASTIC BAGGIES FULL OF ICE ON THEM. THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME I FELT RELIEF. IT HURT TERRIBLY TO LIE ON MY BREASTS AND WHEN PEOPLE HUGGED ME. IT WAS SO UNFAIR TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE. WHY COULDN'T GOD TAKE THAT AWAY TOO? WHY DIDN'T MY DOCTOR GIVE ME A PILL OR A SHOT TO DRY UP THE MILK, SOMETHING? I WAS ALREADY IN SO MUCH AGONY.

ONE DAY MY OB/GYN CALLED TO SEE HOW I WAS. I WAS A MESS OF COURSE. SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE. I TOLD HER YES. OF COURSE I WAS. MY CHILD WAS GONE AND SHE WAS NEVER COMING BACK. THE ONLY VISUAL MEMORY I WOULD EVER HAVE OF HER WOULD BE DEAD. SO I WANTED TO BE DEAD TOO. SHE ASKED ME TO COME IN AND SEE HER AT HER HOSPITAL OFFICE. MY NEIGHBOR, PAT DROVE ME THERE. I CRIED THE ENTIRE TIME. AT THE OFFICE THERE WERE PICTURES OF BABIES, NEWBORNS BABIES, AND PREGNANT WOMEN EVERYWHERE. THIS ONLY MADE ME CRY MORE. MY DOCTOR SUGGESTED THAT I GO TO THE HOSPITAL DOWN THE STREET TO TALK TO SOMEONE IN THE URGENT PSYCHIATRIC CARE UNIT BECAUSE SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME. SO I WENT. THEY WANTED TO CHECK ME IN THERE AFTER I SPOKE WITH THEM BUT I HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION. I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I KNEW IF I WENT HOME I WOULD STILL FEEL THE SAME BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I STAYED. I FINALLY DECIDED TO STAY AFTER HOURS OF THOUGHT.

I WAS TERRIFIED TO STAY ONCE MY MOTHER LEFT ME TO GET MY BELONGINGS AND BRING THEM BACK. I WAS SURROUNDED MY STRANGERS AND I WAS SCARED. THE PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE WERE TALKING TO THEMSELVES AND STARING AT ME. NO ONE THERE HAD LOST THEIR BABY LIKE ME. MOST OF THE PEOPLE THERE WERE DRUG ADDICTS. I CALLED MY MOTHER SO MUCH THE TWO DAYS I WAS THERE. I KNOW SHE WAS WORRIED. THE NEXT DAY WAS NOT SO BAD. I HAD TO TALK TO THE OTHER PATIENTS AND GO TO GROUP THERAPIES. BUT I KNEW ONE NIGHT THERE AND TWO DAYS WAS ENOUGH FOR ME. I WAS NO LONGER ABLE TO FOCUS ON GRIEVING BECAUSE I HAD BEEN AFRAID. I KNEW THAT WASN'T GOOD AND SO DID MY DOCTORS. THEY LET ME GO HOME THAT DAY WITH THEIR CONDOLENCES, BEST WISHES AND A WRITTEN PERSCRIPTION.

ON AUGUST 16, 2003 A MEMORIAL SERVICE WAS HELD FOR MIRACLE. WITH THE INITIAL HELP OF REV. HINES, I PLANNED IT PRETTY MUCH MYSELF. SHE WAS EAGER TO HELP ME RIGHT FROM THE MINUTE I ASKED HER. REV. HINES CAME OVER OFTEN SO I COULD RUN MY IDEAS BY HER TO MAKE SURE THEY WERE APPROPRIATE. THIS WAS ALL NEW TO ME AND I WASN'T SURE IF I WAS DOING THINGS THE RIGHT WAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW I DID IT. I WAS OBSESSED WITH IT BEING EXACTLY THE WAY I ENVISIONED IT. I WANTED IT PERFECT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE THE ONLY THING I WOULD EVER DO FOR MY MIRACLE. MY DEAR FRIEND LAVON CALLED AS MANY PEOPLE AS I ASKED HER TO. I JUST COULD NOT BEAR TO TALK TO PEOPLE. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO ASK PEOPLE TO BE WITH ME TO MEMORIALIZE MY BABY WHO WAS BORN TOO SOON. SHE ALSO TOOK ME TO GET THE PURPLE DRESS THAT I WORE. I INSISTED ON WEARING MY FAVORITE COLOR (PURPLE) FOR MY FAVORITE GIRL (MIRACLE). LAVON ALSO SAT WITH ME FOR ABOUT 4 HOURS MONDAY OF THAT WEEK TO GET MY HAIR BRAIDED. JOY, WHO HAD GONE THROUGH THE AWFUL HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE WITH ME, MADE A CD WITH ALL OF THE SONGS I WANTED TO BE PLAYED AT THE SERVICE. WE CALLED IT MY HEALING CD. SHE LATER MADE ME TWO MORE TO GO ALONG WITH THE FIRST ONE. MY MOM WAS A BIG PART OF PRINTING THE PROGRAM LAYOUT ON HER COMPUTER AT WORK. I KNOW I DROVE HER CRAZY WITH THE CHANGES I WANTED MADE AND THE FREQUENT PHONE CALLS TO HER AT WORK. BUT, SHE DID A GREAT JOB. PERHAPS THE MOST CONSIDERATE, AND UNEXPECTED HELP OF ALL CAME FROM PAT AND DENNIS GORDON. WHEN THE COLOR PRINTER WE HAD BEEN USING TO MAKE THE SERVICE PROGRAMS BROKE, WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. THEY CAME TO MY RESCUE AND COVERED THE COSTS TO HAVE THEM PRINTED AT KINKO'S FOR ME. I WILL ALWAYS BE MORE GRATEFUL THAN THEY KNOW FOR THAT. IF ANYTHING HAD GONE WRONG I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED BUT THE PROGRAMS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST. ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS FOR ME TO LACE THE PURPLE OR WHITE RIBBON DOWN THE SIDES OF THE PROGRAMS AFTER THEY WERE PRINTED. EVERYONE I ASKED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SERVICE WAS MORE THAN WILLING.

I WAS SO AFRAID THAT IT WOULD RAIN THAT DAY. IT HAD BEEN RAINING ALL WEEK. THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MAIN REASON I HAD POSTPONED THE SERVICE FOR THE WEEK THAT I HAD. I JUST KNEW IT WOULD HAVE RAINED THE PREVIOUS SATURDAY, WHICH WAS TO BE THE ORIGINAL DATE. I MUST HAVE CALLED THE WEATHER NUMBER A MILLION TIMES THE WEEK OF THE SERVICE. AND A MILLION MORE TIMES THE NIGHT BEFORE AND THE MORNING OF. I WAS MISERABLE WHEN I HEARD THE PERCENT CHANCE OF RAIN INCREASE EACH DAY. I KEPT CALLING HOPING THEY WOULD GO DOWN. HOW COULD GOD LET IT RAIN ON THIS DAY? WASN'T IT ENOUGH THAT MY LIFE WAS FULL OF RAIN AND DARKNESS AS IT WAS EVERYDAY WITH THIS TERRIBLE LOSS?

THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK SERVICE WENT EXACTLY AS PLANNED. MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME SHOWED UP TO REMEMBER MY LITTLE GIRL ON THIS DAY. I KNEW MIRACLE WAS ALREADY LOVED SO MUCH BY ME BUT I NEVER REALIZED THAT OTHER PEOPLE LOVED HER TOO, EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER HAD AND NEVER WOULD MEET HER. MY ELEVEN YEAR-OLD SISTER KARRIE PASSED OUT THE PROGRAMS THAT MORNING. PEOPLE BROUGHT SO MANY FLOWERS. THE HOUSE WAS FULL OF THEM ONCE AGAIN. THE MESSAGE THAT REV. HINES GAVE WAS THAT NOW IS THE TIME TO FILL UP ON LOVE. SHE HAD ALSO GIVEN ME THE IDEA OF RELEASING THE BALLOONS, WHICH WAS DONE, AT THE END OF THE SERVICE. MY FIFTEEN YEAR-OLD BROTHER BARRY RELEASED 23 PURPLE AND WHITE BALLOONS BECAUSE MIRACLE WAS BORN ON THE 23RD. I READ A LETTER I HAD WRITTEN TO MY DAUGHTER THE DAY THAT I CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL. IT WAS SO HARD TO GET THAT FIRST WORD OUT. WHEN FIRST BEGAN TO READ I WOULD OPEN MY MOUTH AND NO SOUND WOULD COME OUT. BUT IT FINALLY DID, AND I GOT THROUGH THE ENTIRE LETTER. I WANTED TO READ IT FOR MIRACLE. I KNEW SHE WOULD BE LISTENING. WHEN I RETURNED TO MY SEAT MY GRANDFATHER GAVE ME A HUG AND MY DAD HELD MY HAND FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE SERVICE. THAT MEANT SO MUCH.

THE SERVICE WAS HELD OUTSIDE. AND AT THE END OF THE SERVICE, I THINK WHEN REV. HINES WAS GIVING THE DISMISSAL AND BLESSING, A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY FLEW UP AND PERCHED ITSELF ON THE LARGEST FLOWER ARRANGEMENT. THAT ARRANGEMENT WAS GIVEN TO MIRACLE BY MY HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND NICKI. SHE SENT THE ARRANGEMENT TO THE CHURCH IN MIRACLES NAME. THE BUTTERFLY THEN FLEW OUT TO WHERE THE PEOPLE WERE SITTING AND FINALLY RETURNED TO THE FLOWER. I KNEW MY DAUGHTER HAD COME TO CHECK ON HER MOM. I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED BUTTERFLIES ARE EARTHS ANGELS. IT SEEMED AS THOUGH THAT SAME BUTTERFLY, OR AT LEAST ONE THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE IT FOLLOWED ME HOME. I SAW IT AT STOP LIGHTS AND THEN IT WAS ON THE FLOWER AT THE FRONT DOOR AS I WALKED INTO MY HOUSE. I HAD NEVER SEEN SO MANY BUTTERFLIES IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. FROM NOW ON, I WILL ALWAYS ASSOCIATE THEM WITH MIRACLES LIVING MEMORY. NO SOONER HAD I GOTTEN IN THE DOOR GOOD AND WAS PUTTING MIRACLES FLOWERS INTO VASES, IT BEGAN TO RAIN. THE RAIN HAD WAITED FOR THE PART OF THE DAY THAT BELONGED TO MY DAUGHTER TO BE COMPLETE, JUST AS I HAD HOPED IT WOULD.

IT HAS NOW BEEN SIX WEEKS AFTER I LOST MY ANGEL AND MY OWN WILL TO LIVE. SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING. NOW I FEEL I HAVE NOTHING. I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN BED ALTHOUGH I DO NOT SLEEP. I HAVE RECENTLY STARTED TO GET UP AND COME DOWNSTAIRS TO GET ON THE COMPUTER. I FOUND OTHER MOMS WHO HAVE LOST THEIR CHILDREN ON-LINE. I READ THEIR STORIES AND THEY ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE ABOUT WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW. THEY TRY VERY HARD TO ENCOURAGE ME. I HAVE PAINTED TWO FLOWER POTS TO PLACE THE PLANTS IN, WHICH I WAS GIVEN IN MEMORY OF MIRACLE. I ALSO MADE A T-SHIRT AND ONE DAY I WILL MAKE A SCRAPBOOK. I HATE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR ANY REASON. IT SEEMS PREGNANT WOMEN AND BRAND NEW BABIES ARE EVERYWHERE. THEY WERE ALL HIDING BEFORE AND NOW THEY HAVE COME OUT JUST TO TORTURE ME. I CANNOT STAND TO SEE OR HEAR ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES LIVING HEALTHY BABIES. MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I JUST CANNOT HANDLE IT. I DON'T THINK IT WILL EVER MEND. I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH AN EMPTY FEELING. I AM GOING TO A SUPPORT GROUP AND SEEING A THERAPIST BUT MY LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER ALTERED. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE.

I HAVE LOST MY FAITH. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANGRY WITH GOD UNTIL NOW. I HAVE NEVER EVEN REALLY QUESTIONED WHY HE TOOK OTHERS FROM MY LIFE UNTIL NOW. I KNOW PEOPLE BELIEVE GOD HAS A "BLESSIN' FOR EVERY LESSON" BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO LEARN MY LESSON OR GET MY BLESSING THIS WAY. NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF LOSING MY MOST TREASURED CHILD. SHE WAS A PART OF ME. THERE IS NO GREATER PAIN THAN LOSING YOUR CHILD. NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN COMPARE TO SUCH A LOSS. NO MATTER IF YOU LOSE YOUR CHILD THROUGH MISCARRIAGE, SHORTLY AFTER BIRTH, AS A YOUNG CHILD, OR AFTER HE OR SHE IS AN ADULT. IT DOESN'T MATTER. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE MY LITTLE SWEETHEART. THE LOVE A MOTHER HAS FOR HER CHILD IS LARGER THAN ANY OCEAN THAT MAY SEPARATE THE TWO. AND EVEN IN DEATH THAT LOVE DOES NOT DECREASE. PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LOVE THEIR CHILDREN GET TO HAVE THEM EVERYDAY JUST TO END UP MISTREATING THEM. WHY? I ASK GOD OFTEN WHY HE TOOK MIRACLE THROUGH SWOLLEN EYES AND SOBS. BUT I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT EVEN IF GOD CAME TO ME RIGHT NOW AND TOLD ME WHY, I CANNOT IMAGINE I WOULD ACCEPT IT. I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO FIND ANY REASON GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME TO ACCEPT HER DEATH.

I KNOW PEOPLE SAY TIME WILL LESSEN THE PAIN. MAYBE THEY ARE RIGHT. BUT IT WILL NEVER TAKE IT AWAY COMPLETELY. RIGHT NOW TIME SEEMS TO BE MOVING ON WITHOUT ME. I AM STUCK IN MY GRIEF. AND I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO RUN AND CATCH UP WITH TIME. AND YES, I AM YOUNG AND MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL HAVE OTHER CHILDREN. I COULD HAVE 25 MORE CHILDREN, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I SHOULD OR WILL EVER GRIEVE FOR MY LITTLE MIRACLE ANY LESS. SHE CAN NEVER BE REPLACED. MY THERAPIST REMINDS ME THAT IT WON'T ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY AND SO DO THE OTHER PARENTS I'VE MET WHO HAVE ALSO LOST THEIR CHILDREN. BUT RIGHT NOW IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE. THIS IS SUCH TREMENDOUS PAIN. I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW IT WILL EVER LESSEN. I AM STILL SO DEVASTATED OVER MY BABY'S DEATH. SHE IS MY LITTLE ANGEL. AND IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT HER. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HER. MOTHERS ARE JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY THEIR CHILDREN. THE PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GROW OLD AND THE CHILDREN ARE SUPPOSED TO BURY THEM. I STILL HAVE NOT SAID GOODBYE TO HER. I JUST REFUSE TO AND MAYBE I NEVER WILL. THOSE WORDS ARE SO FINAL WHEN THE FOOTPRINTS SHE HAS LEFT IN THE SANDS OF MY HEART ARE SO FRESH AND WILL ALWAYS REMAIN. IT STILL FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY TO ME. I AM READING A LOT ABOUT STILLBIRTH NOW. THERE IS SO MUCH THAT I WISHED I HAD KNOWN BEFORE ALL OF THIS HAPPENED. BUT I SKIPPED RIGHT OVER THAT PART IN THE PREGNANCY BOOKS BECAUSE I JUST KNEW MY BABY WAS GOING TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY. BUT SHE WAS JUST THE OPPOSITE, - SILENT AND STILL. I NEED TO BELIEVE WHEN THE ANGELS WHISPER THOSE SWEET WORDS OF GRACE; I WILL HOLD HER IN THAT TIME AND PLACE. I MISS HER EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. SHE IS ALL I THINK ABOUT. EVERYTHING CONNECTS TO HER. AND MY HEART WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

I MADE A PHONE CALL TO THE DEPARTMENT OF THE HOSPITAL CALLED MERCY CARES A FEW DAYS AGO. I WANTED TO FIND OUT ABOUT MIRACLES DEATH CERTIFICATE. IT HAD BEEN ALMOST 7 WEEKS SINCE HER DEATH AND I HAD NOT RECEIVED ONE IN THE MAIL. THE WOMAN WHO RUNS THE PROGRAM CALLED ME BACK TODAY TO TELL ME THAT SHE HAD RESEARCHED TO FIND THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION. I HAD TO APPLY AT VITAL RECORDS TO OBTAIN A COPY AND THERE WOULD BE A TWELVE-DOLLAR FEE. I WONDERED WHY I HAD NOT BEEN INFORMED OF THIS IN THE HOSPITAL PACKET I WAS GIVEN PRIOR TO MY RELEASE. THE WOMAN THEN TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS NEVER AWARE OF THIS HERSELF. SHE THEN INFORMED ME OF SOMETHING ELSE THAT I MUST ADMIT WARMED MY HEART. SHE TOLD ME THAT FROM THAT DAY FORWARD SHE WAS GOING TO SEE TO IT THAT OTHER MOMS WERE INFORMED OF THIS INFORMATION IN THEIR PACKETS. SHE TOLD ME THAT I WAS THE FIRST AND ONLY MOM TO INQUIRE ABOUT THIS SINCE SHE HAD BEEN WORKING THERE. AND THE BEST PART WAS WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO ADD THIS INFORMATION TO THESE PACKETS IN THE NAME OF MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL MIRACLE. I SMILED AN HONEST SMILE TODAY.

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF BABIES ARE LOST BY MOTHERS WHO HAVE LOVED THEM EVEN BEFORE CONCEPTION EVERY YEAR. I WAS NEVER AWARE OF THIS BEFORE MY ANGEL WAS BORN INTO HEAVEN. OUR SOCIETY TREATS THESE BABIES AS IF THEY WERE NEVER ALIVE. AND LIKE IT IS A DIRTY WORD TO TALK ABOUT THEM. THAT IN ITSELF IS SO HURTFUL. MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. OR THEY THINK IF THEY MENTION HER NAME I WILL GET UPSET. BUT I AM ALREADY UPSET AND TRUST ME; I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN HER JUST BECAUSE HER BODY IS GONE. I DO NOT GET A BIRTH CERTIFICATE FOR MIRACLE BUT I WILL GET A DEATH CERTIFICATE. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? HOW DO YOU DIE IF YOU NEVER LIVED? HOW CAN SHE BE RECOGNIZED IN DEATH BUT NOT IN LIFE? THIS IS ANOTHER OBSTACLE THAT IS UNFAIR AND I WILL ALWAYS STRUGGLE WITH. MANY PEOPLE DO NOT WISH TO SPEAK MY LITTLE GIRLS NAME. MAYBE BECAUSE THEY NEVER MET HER AND SO SHE WAS NEVER ALIVE TO THEM. BUT SHE WAS ALIVE. AND EVEN IF THAT WAS ONLY INSIDE OF MY WOMB, THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT AN UNEDUCATED SOCIETY CAN RIGHTFULLY MINIMIZE HER IMPORTANCE OR HER EXISTENCE. MIRACLE WAS ALIVE. AND SHE WILL LIVE ON BECAUSE HER MOMMY REFUSES TO BE SILENCED.