TARGET="_parent">Sarah's Story My husband and I were excited to be pregnant for the first time.  I had a dream pregnancy; no morning sickness, barely any weight gain, no swelling, and minimal discomfort.  The only complication was that our daughter was in a breech postion.  We underwent a procedure to attempt to turn the baby at 37 weeks, but she was stubborn and didn't move.  We opted not to schedule a C'section, as she was in the best possible position for a breech vaginal delivery.  At 38 weeks, I went into labor.  The labor was short and almost a piece of cake (I don't think you can ever describe labor as a piece of cake!).  I was hooked up to the fetal monitor throughout the whole labor due to the fact my daughter was breech.  In the minutes before she was born, the heartbeat was lost.  I attributed this to maybe she had moved out of the range of the monitors.  However, she was born without a heartbeat and not breathing.  I was sure that she would be revived, and I could see myself telling our daughter when she was an adult, "wow did you give us a scare when you were born".  Eventually, she gained a heartbeat, but she couldn't breathe without assistance.  The prognosis was very grim;  she could live a few days, or weeks at most, but not without the respirator.  She would never learn to eat, let alone walk or talk.  Both my husband and I work in the medical field, and we knew our daughter would never have any good quality of life.  We decided to not pursue any further aggressive treatments, so that she could die with dignity and in our arms.  She was brought to us, with the expection that she wouldn't be able to survive long breathing on her own. We ended up being able to spend 11 hours with her before she died.  She was able to meet most of her extended family (grandparents, aunts, and uncles).  Three times, her breathing slowed and her heartrate dropped.  Twice she decided that it wasn't quite time to go yet.  The last time her breathing slowed, we told her that it was okay to go, and thanked her spending as much time with us as she did.  She died, in my arms, surrounded by family, 14 hours after she was born. We were lucky to have such a large and supportive group of family and friends to help through the healing process.  The first weeks and months were tough.  We decided we still wanted a family and were given the okay to try again after 3 months.  Three months after our daughter died, I found out I was pregnant again with a due date the day before our daughter's birthday.  The beginning of the pregancy wasn't too stressful, although this time, I had some morning sickness and other pregnancy "signs".  At 28 weeks I had to start going to the doctors twice a week for fetal monitoring and a weekly ultrasound.  On the one hand, I loved all the ultrasounds, because 1) I got proof that our next daughter was moving well and in the right position, and 2) I feel like I got to bond with our next daughter before she was even born. The non-stress tests (non-stress? I don't think so!) I could have done without, because our daughter was not always the most cooperative.  One time, at 34 weeks, she barely moved.  Off to ultrasound, where it was discovered that the cord was laying across her neck.  She then started moving, but I had to have an extra non-stress test over the weekend.  Well, at that test, she behaved beautifully, but I was in pre-term labor.  At this point, I thought the stress of being pregnant would never end.  On the one hand I wanted her to be born and healthy right that minute, and on the other hand, I wanted to keep her safe in the womb forever. At 37 weeks, our next daughter was born, alive, healthy, kicking, and crying!  She is now 4 months old, and absolutely wonderful.  We still think of our Kaitlyn everyday, especially when we look at our growing little Becca.  Everything happens for a reason, but we may never know why.  We have no explanation for why Kaitlyn's lungs did not work properly.  But we do now have a special, wonderful girl that wouldn't be here if Kaitlyn were alive. Sarah from Minnesota

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A month ago today you came into Our world so quiet and still Yet no one could tell us why But somehow we must believe That you were not meant to be Our earthly child, but instead Play in Paradise with Jesus I know you are with us in spirit Isaiah, But I need to have you in body and soul Mommy weeps for you everyday My arms ache to hold you and Kiss your sweet little nose I want to count your fingers and toes And see you smile and hear you laugh I am so sad that all I have of you is The memory you left behind and A lock of your hair so curly and black I will continue to go on, because my family Needs me and someday when the time is right I will get to hold my little boy again Until then Isaiah please watch over all of us And save me a place in Heaven so I can See you again, I love you and miss you With all my heart and soul Love Always, Mommy & Daddy

November 1, 2001 - Sarah shares her poem with us