Glenn called his family at his sister's house in Pennsylvania, where everyone had gathered for a Thanksgiving get-together. The excitement in his sister's voice quickly turned to moans as Glenn delivered the news. He could hear wailing in the background as word spread throughout the house. Due to the distance from the hospital, Glenn didn't think that they needed to come to see us. In his eyes, the baby was dead and there was nothing that they could do. Shortly after the call, they left for the hospital anyway. I was relieved when Glenn's parents & sister, Laura arrived later that evening after a 7 hour drive. I knew he needed them. After requesting an epidural and a sleeping pill, I finally managed to get a few hours sleep. Glenn stayed with me that night. Sleeping in a chair near the bed, holding my hand. At 3AM, we were awakened and listened to a woman give birth in the next room. This nightmare just kept getting worse. Our families stayed at our house. Glenn had been home earlier that day and told the sad news to a neighbor, who spread the word around the neighborhood. The neighbors stopped by with food to feed our families, who spent most of the evening calling other friends and relatives. Sunday Morning: They inserted several pitocin tablets in me throughout the course of the day. It ( the pitocin) wasn't working. My labor was slow. My body was fighting all of the drugs. The mind is a very powerful tool, I couldn't push this dead baby out and that was all there was to it! Our family members were pleading with the doctors to perform a cesarean and take the baby. They couldn't bear to watch me suffer. I had to go to the bathroom every hour on the hour. I couldn't even look at myself. The sight of my pregnant body was too much for me to handle. I insisted that all lights in my room and in the bathroom be turned off. The doctor's and nurses respected my wishes and used a small overhead light when they examined me. The nurses were wonderful, they hugged me, cried with me & took excellent care of me. I can still picture all of their faces and Tonya's cold hands. Those hands cooled me off, when I thought I was on fire. Later we learned that I was one of 4 women that lost babies in that hospital Thanksgiving week. Sunday afternoon both of my brothers, sister-in-law, God Mother, and brother's girlfriend arrived. All day, one by one everyone took turns sitting with me. Finially after 30 grueling emotional hours of labor they agreed to do the surgery. Before I was taken to the operating room I had to sign the papers granting permission for the hospital to perform the autopsy on by baby's body. I was hysterical, I was shaking so hard I couldn't even sign my name. Again, one by one, all of our family came in to say goodbye before my surgery. It was an emotional time for all of us. At 5:50 on Sunday November 28,1999, my son Phillip Thomas was born via cesarean section. I placed a face cloth over my eyes before they wheeled me away. I was afraid I would have nightmares of the operating room my whole life. After surgery they put me in a waiting room until I went up to recovery. That's when I removed my face cloth. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wasn't crying any more. I was some how relieved and grateful that my family was there. I truly felt God's presence. I'll never forget when my sister-in-law Nancy said, "I heard he is beautiful". I said, "It was a boy?" I smiled; and was grateful that she had told me. While I was recovering after surgery, Glenn was meeting his son. Glenn named him and his father, a retired minister, baptized him. Not everyone was emotionally ready to see Phillip, including myself. The next day, Glenn sent an email to our friends. For obvious reasons I was sent to recover on another floor. I described this as going from "The Ritz" to "Motel 6". The morning after his birth , nothing mattered anymore. The flowers began to arrive, but everything was just an object to me; everything seemed so trivial in comparison to my loss. I rejected the flowers, telling the nurse that I didn't want them. I felt that the flowers, while nice, were a waste of money; after all, my son was dead. My mother suggested that the flowers would cheer me up and instructed the nurse to leave them in my room. My mother also told me to prepare myself for other well meaning gestures from friends and family. She reminded me that a lot of people loved us and would want to do something, anything to express their sympathy and concern. At that moment, I knew that I needed to select a worthwhile charity so that something good could possibly come out of our tragedy. We asked several members of the hospital staff whether there were charities or research foundations established for fetal deaths. We were surprised to find that no such organization existed in our area. A follow-up email was sent. I came home four days later, with empty arms. My world was shattered. Although our family and friends offered support and tried to comfort us in our grief, I needed to talk to another woman who had lost a child. I felt as if I was in a black hole and would never climb out. I was restless, confused, sad, and without hope. Then, a few days passed and I received a book about women who had experienced similar tragedies. I was reluctant to read it but after I started, I couldn't stop. I wished for another book after finishing the first one. I wasn't aware of how many books there are related to infant death. A third message was sent. While recovering, I read and reviewed over twenty books on stillborn and other pregnancy related losses. Like every mother, I never really thought that this could happen to me. I wanted to share the comfort I'd gotten from the books so I decided to buy books for other women to read. At the same time, the hospital began to receive donations from our friends. It all came together in my mind and I chose to rebuild the hospital support group library to be used as a resource for families who had suffered a loss like mine. I have currently stocked my local hospital with books from the donations from our friends. I hope to acquire the funds to build a lending library at many more hospitals. My inspiration came, in part, from Robert Shuler's wonderful book, "Turning Hurts into Haloes and Stars Into Stripes", which reminded me that sometimes the bravest and most compassionate acts come from those who have experienced the greatest grief and loss. I wish you peace, Gina Johnson West Hartford, CT UPDATE! May 22, 2000 Last week we found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant! I was amazed at the mixed emotions I was having. It took me almost a week to even calculate when the baby is due. I will keep you posted throught my pregnancy. Daniel Phillip Johnson was born on Dec. 28, 2000!! |
Glenn called his family at his sister's house in Pennsylvania, where everyone had gathered for a Thanksgiving get-together. The excitement in his sister's voice quickly turned to moans as Glenn delivered the news. He could hear wailing in the background as word spread throughout the house. Due to the distance from the hospital, Glenn didn't think that they needed to come to see us. In his eyes, the baby was dead and there was nothing that they could do. Shortly after the call, they left for the hospital anyway. I was relieved when Glenn's parents & sister, Laura arrived later that evening after a 7 hour drive. I knew he needed them. After requesting an epidural and a sleeping pill, I finally managed to get a few hours sleep. Glenn stayed with me that night. Sleeping in a chair near the bed, holding my hand. At 3AM, we were awakened and listened to a woman give birth in the next room. This nightmare just kept getting worse. Our families stayed at our house. Glenn had been home earlier that day and told the sad news to a neighbor, who spread the word around the neighborhood. The neighbors stopped by with food to feed our families, who spent most of the evening calling other friends and relatives. Sunday Morning: They inserted several pitocin tablets in me throughout the course of the day. It ( the pitocin) wasn't working. My labor was slow. My body was fighting all of the drugs. The mind is a very powerful tool, I couldn't push this dead baby out and that was all there was to it! Our family members were pleading with the doctors to perform a cesarean and take the baby. They couldn't bear to watch me suffer. I had to go to the bathroom every hour on the hour. I couldn't even look at myself. The sight of my pregnant body was too much for me to handle. I insisted that all lights in my room and in the bathroom be turned off. The doctor's and nurses respected my wishes and used a small overhead light when they examined me. The nurses were wonderful, they hugged me, cried with me & took excellent care of me. I can still picture all of their faces and Tonya's cold hands. Those hands cooled me off, when I thought I was on fire. Later we learned that I was one of 4 women that lost babies in that hospital Thanksgiving week. Sunday afternoon both of my brothers, sister-in-law, God Mother, and brother's girlfriend arrived. All day, one by one everyone took turns sitting with me. Finially after 30 grueling emotional hours of labor they agreed to do the surgery. Before I was taken to the operating room I had to sign the papers granting permission for the hospital to perform the autopsy on by baby's body. I was hysterical, I was shaking so hard I couldn't even sign my name. Again, one by one, all of our family came in to say goodbye before my surgery. It was an emotional time for all of us. At 5:50 on Sunday November 28,1999, my son Phillip Thomas was born via cesarean section. I placed a face cloth over my eyes before they wheeled me away. I was afraid I would have nightmares of the operating room my whole life. After surgery they put me in a waiting room until I went up to recovery. That's when I removed my face cloth. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wasn't crying any more. I was some how relieved and grateful that my family was there. I truly felt God's presence. I'll never forget when my sister-in-law Nancy said, "I heard he is beautiful". I said, "It was a boy?" I smiled; and was grateful that she had told me. While I was recovering after surgery, Glenn was meeting his son. Glenn named him and his father, a retired minister, baptized him. Not everyone was emotionally ready to see Phillip, including myself. The next day, Glenn sent an email to our friends. For obvious reasons I was sent to recover on another floor. I described this as going from "The Ritz" to "Motel 6". The morning after his birth , nothing mattered anymore. The flowers began to arrive, but everything was just an object to me; everything seemed so trivial in comparison to my loss. I rejected the flowers, telling the nurse that I didn't want them. I felt that the flowers, while nice, were a waste of money; after all, my son was dead. My mother suggested that the flowers would cheer me up and instructed the nurse to leave them in my room. My mother also told me to prepare myself for other well meaning gestures from friends and family. She reminded me that a lot of people loved us and would want to do something, anything to express their sympathy and concern. At that moment, I knew that I needed to select a worthwhile charity so that something good could possibly come out of our tragedy. We asked several members of the hospital staff whether there were charities or research foundations established for fetal deaths. We were surprised to find that no such organization existed in our area. A follow-up email was sent. I came home four days later, with empty arms. My world was shattered. Although our family and friends offered support and tried to comfort us in our grief, I needed to talk to another woman who had lost a child. I felt as if I was in a black hole and would never climb out. I was restless, confused, sad, and without hope. Then, a few days passed and I received a book about women who had experienced similar tragedies. I was reluctant to read it but after I started, I couldn't stop. I wished for another book after finishing the first one. I wasn't aware of how many books there are related to infant death. A third message was sent. While recovering, I read and reviewed over twenty books on stillborn and other pregnancy related losses. Like every mother, I never really thought that this could happen to me. I wanted to share the comfort I'd gotten from the books so I decided to buy books for other women to read. At the same time, the hospital began to receive donations from our friends. It all came together in my mind and I chose to rebuild the hospital support group library to be used as a resource for families who had suffered a loss like mine. I have currently stocked my local hospital with books from the donations from our friends. I hope to acquire the funds to build a lending library at many more hospitals. My inspiration came, in part, from Robert Shuler's wonderful book, "Turning Hurts into Haloes and Stars Into Stripes", which reminded me that sometimes the bravest and most compassionate acts come from those who have experienced the greatest grief and loss. I wish you peace, Gina Johnson West Hartford, CT UPDATE! May 22, 2000 Last week we found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant! I was amazed at the mixed emotions I was having. It took me almost a week to even calculate when the baby is due. I will keep you posted throught my pregnancy. Daniel Phillip Johnson was born on Dec. 28, 2000!! |
Gina's Story February 2000 I loved being pregnant. My husband had never seen me so happy. I never complained about the "side-effects" of pregnancy. I read pregnancy books, baby books, and parent magazines on a daily basis. I enjoyed preparing the nursery and dreaming of what our lives would be like with our first child. I couldn't get enough of motherhood - I even loved wearing maternity clothes! My baby was very active. I often joked that he was my "little ninja". So when the fetal movement slowed down, I was very concerned. In the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong. I remember laying on the couch counting fetal movement telling my husband that being responsible for another life was the most important thing I will ever do. I agonized all night & prayed for my baby to give me a sign, any sign of life. The next morning I decided to go to the hospital to reassure myself that everything was OK. My husband was at school studying. I left him a note saying I was at the hospital, "I'll call if you need to meet me." On the drive over I thought for a split second, "what if the baby is dead?" Then I quickly dismissed the negative thought & envisioned the possibility of having the baby that day. The nurse quickly tried to find the heart beat, to put my mind at ease. When she failed, she said "the baby was hiding, don't worry, I'll get a doctor to do an ultrasound". The ultrasound was over in a split second. I asked her if I should call my husband & as she dialed the phone. I remember thinking why is she "the doctor" dialing. Shouldn't she be finishing the ultrasound?" When I asked her, she said in a very soft voice "Gina your baby is dead". I screamed "What?", then I screamed "NO!" "NO!". When I gave my first scream, my husband was walking into the room. He thought I was giving birth. |
My first reaction was denial. "This couldn't be true, you made a mistake'. Then I had a quick glimmer of hope, I screamed, "Cut me open, aren't you even going to try & save the baby?" Then the shock kicked in, mixed with the denial. I just walked around the room screaming, "NO, NO, NO". I begged them to help me, and save my baby. My husband and I were still shocked when they told us they couldn't find a heart beat. Just days before my due date, our baby was dead. Within minutes of the news, I asked Glenn to telephone my Mother. I remembered she had lost a baby right after it was born and she would know what to do. My husband called them and they left for the hospital immediately. They had a two hour ride to the hospital. My next emotion was detachment. My baby suddenly turned into an "It". I screamed "GET "IT" OUT OF ME". They informed me that I would have to deliver it. I was appalled and again I screamed "Cut me open! Take it out!" I still can hear the doctor's voice saying, "Mrs.Johnson, you are very upset, why don't you go home and think about things over the weekend, come back in a few days and we can induce you. I was shocked again "No, induce me now, get it out of me!" They started an IV of pitocin, and began the inducing procedure. The nurses started preparing me for what would come. They encouraged me to see my baby, have pictures taken and name him. I thought they were nuts. "See it! Touch it! Absolutely not!" Glenn decided he wanted to do all of those things. I kept saying "I cannot push this dead baby out of me". Glenn was wonderful, he kept reassuring me that he loved me, and that he would help me. He held my hand during every procedure, and every internal exam. (All this time, since birthing class, I secretly thought that he would be a lousy coach. Boy, was I wrong.) I was relieved when my parents arrived. They were not only re-living the nightmare of losing their son Manual, but they had to watch me, their baby (as my dad calls me), suffer the loss of my son, as well. I had only heard my mother speak of her baby a few times in my life. It was just understood that the subject was off limits. Now I found myself asking for all of the details. She didn't hesitate in telling me as she knew I needed to know. My Mom assured me that I did not have to see the baby. She said she had never seen hers and she never regretted it. I kept asking her what happened and how she got through it. She reminded me that God was with me and that he had a plan for everything. That seemed to be the only thing I could hold on to. |
September 4, 2001 It has been 21 months since Phillip died. It's amazing how I still can't believe he actually died. Daniel is now 8 months old, and is the light of my life! At 4 months he had to have brain surgery because he was diagnosed with Hydrocephalous. It was a very scary time. We are so grateful that they found it. They performed a crainiomity to remove fluid from a cist (no shunt was needed) we need to keep an eye on him for the next year or so, but he should have a normal life. My husband is hinting about having another baby. I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for another pregnancy. I am hopeful that another pregnancy wouldn't be as emotionally draining on me. I will keep you all posted. |
