stephanie

Stephanie's story....Stephanie read my story on another website and sent her story to share with us.

I just read your tribute on the born angels web site. I just cried and cried. I am so sorry for your loss and I am also sad for mine. My tribute is 3 below yours. I just received an e-mail saying that mine was on, and I saw yours.

WOW! you've already done all that and you just went thru this in November?? I admire that! We have this wonderful woman, Maryanne, at the hospital and she helps with lactation and new baby support group. But until me, they've really never dealt with stillborns. Amanda Joy was stillborn on March 2, 2000. Just 3 weeks ago. Maryanne was a big help to us when our son, Charlie was born 2 years ago. Her support group, "Baby and I' helped so much! Now, she and I are talking about starting a support group here for moms who lose a baby. There are many who've lost, but no one to start a group. I feel the need to do it. I am interested in your list of books you provide and any other resources that you know of. I live in a smaller town, so there is not too much available to me, as a grieving mother. Most books are for mothers who've lost an older child. Losing a baby is different.

I am including my story of Amanda's little life, death and delivery. I am interested in hearing your story, also. May God bless you richly for all you are doing to help other moms. My verse to cling to thru all this has been Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the

Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope

My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years. He is a wonderful and

supportive man! After our son was born, on Feb. 2, 1998, he ncouraged me to follow my heart and stay home with Charles. So I quit my job and became what I've always wanted to be--a stay at home mom and wife. Things were wonderful and we were enjoying our little family. In July 99, we went out on a date, leaving Charles at the sitter. We had a great night at the movies. But, when we went to get Charles, our friends, said, "no-it's too early, go out and enjoy yourselves." We looked at each other and said, "what did we do on dates? ......Oh yeah.....we made out!!" So we decide to go parking. The reason this is important is, that's the night that Amanda was conceived!

We were so excited when, a few weeks later, I wasn't feeling well. So Chuck made an appointment for me and I went in to the Doctor. And you bet-I was pregnant! What anticipation!! Our little family was starting to grow more! Things were going well. I wasn't as sick this time, just very fatigued! But as time marched on, and my belly blossomed, the fatigue didn't matter, we were just too happy and looking forward to our new little

The baby's due date was April 26th, 2000. At Christmas, I was already showing and people thought that I was due sooner. We just said-"nope we must grow 'em big." Charles was 10.6!! BIG BOY! He was born via c-section, as he was too large for me and he was turned wrong. Feb 2, was Charles #2 birthday, so we traded bedrooms with him for one present. The reason was, to prepare for the new baby, our room was bigger, so we thought the kids would need more space! We had bought a new crib and were planning on setting it up the coming weekend. My sister was also coming to visit, so I planned on having her help me go thru the baby clothes and pick out the neutral ones.

On Feb. 23rd (Wednesday), I didn't feel any movement all day and night. So I got a little worried, so I went in to the Dr. Feb. 24th (Thursday). The Dr. couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, she usually has no problem finding it. She acted strange and told me that it was possible that the baby had died. I started crying. So she sent me to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed what she had feared- the baby's heart was not beating. Our baby had died.

I had to call my husband on his truck and tell him. He didn't

say a word, all I heard was his sobbing. He got to the hospital 10 minutes

later. We then talked to the Dr. and a couple friends of ours that work

at the clinic/hospital. They told us our options and advised us to go home and discuss and decide and come back in tomorrow. We went home

in a state of shock and disbelief! The baby had been so active and healthy!

We couldn't believe it! The next hours were spent crying and talking

on the phone with our pastor and friends and family. Our pastor came over

right away and so did alot of the church ladies.

We knew that we'd have to go back to the hospital and deliver the baby. So we had to decide if we wanted to induce or let my body naturally go into labor. The risks of waiting-it could make me sick or affect my fertility, made us decide to induce the next day. So Friday we went in and the Dr. examined me, I wasn't dilated at all! So we told her we wanted to start labor that day. Well, she was off for the weekend, so we decided to wait until she could be there rather than have a stranger deliver our child, especially considering the circumstances..

On Monday, Feb 28th, we went in to start inducing labor. I

remember asking Dr.Bittner-"What is my motivation here? Why should I want to go thru with this? What is my reward? I don't get to take home any baby, so why?" She was very sympathetic and caring! She reminded me that I could get sick. She also told me that if they did another C-section that I would never be able to have a natural delivery, I would always have to have C-sections. Well, the recovery is so long and painful, that helped to motivate me. I was 31 weeks along,( 7 months). Tuesday was uneventful, as the cervadil, prostaglandin gel was doing it's job to ripen and soften my cervix.

Tuesday evening, they started the Pitocen in an IV. Finally on Wednesday morning the contractions started. Induced labor is so painful!! The contractions were strong and hard and 2minutes apart right away. It was like BAMM! labor!! That evening, I wasn't dilating much, just to 2 cm. So they stopped the Pitocen for 3 hours because my sensors were just full and couldn't take anymore.

Since the baby was breech, they had to put in a balloon and fill it with water. Then the Dr. pulled on it and taped it to my leg for traction. This was to simulate the baby's head pushing down on my cervix to help dilate me. That was so painful! From there on out it was BAD! When I dilated to 3 cm, the balloon popped out. Then I slowly dilated on. They restarted the Pitocen on double strength. Later, I felt like I needed to maybe push. I was at 7 cm. The nurse said try to not push. I said OK-I don't think I was ready to let the baby go!

Then later, actually at 1:30 am on Thursday , I really felt the urge to push, so I asked the nurse if I could. She checked me, pushed the call button and phoned the Dr. and told her that I was dilated to 10 cm and ready to push. I asked again, "can I push?" When she said yes, I was so relieved. It was like finally! I get to do something!

The doctor arrived 5 minutes later and the butt was already delivered. So I pushed and pushed and screamed and cried. (Our son was born by C-section, so I was unprepared for a vaginal delivery) I remember praying at the top of my lungs for God to let the baby come out whole. (Dr. Bittner had told us beforehand that the baby may come apart during delivery since she had been dead inside of me for so long, she also told us that the baby might be discolored and all sort of other horrifying images) So I was screaming for God to let the baby come out in one piece. 11 minutes after I started pushing, she was delivered. Whole.

On March 2nd, after so many days of waiting in agony, our daughter was

delivered. She was 3 lbs. 15.4 oz. 18 inches long. She had dark hair and

dark eyes. She was stillborn at 1:41 am. And praise God she was whole! I

don't think I would have handled it at all if she had come out in pieces!!

They said that she looked like me and that she would have been tall. Her

little hands and feet were so perfectly formed and beautiful. Her fingers

even had the fingernails all developed and perfect. Her little thighs even

had hair on them already. Her little body was so perfectly formed and

developed! The Dr. examined the baby, umbilical cord and placenta to see if she could find what went wrong. The cord was all twisted

around and around. She had been so active and moving around so much that she twisted off her life supply. We named her Amanda Joy. Amanda is after my grandma and Joy is after my middle name. I cannot believe that our lives have changed so much in such a short time! All our plans and hopes and dreams are shattered! I don't know what to do now ! I got out of the hospital on March 3rd-friday.

The funeral service was that same evening. It was a beautiful

service. Our pastor did a wonderful job! The casket was so tiny! Then

on Saturday, march 4th, we drove 8 hours to Lustre, Montana, to bury her.

The burial service was on Monday, March 6th. We then spent a few days at my parent's home in Lustre. We drove home to Devils Lake on-March 10th.

I am so exhausted and I feel like I am in a haze. What happened? I want God to give me my baby back! But I know that it won't happen. I wonder what to do with myself now and when it will ever stop hurting.

I cry alot and it hurts to see pregnant women and newborns. Today in church, they announced that a friend of mine had had her baby on wed, march 15. She had a boy. I just sat there and cried. I have 9 friends who are pregnant this year. I just can't bear it! To see all those swollen bellies! To see all those happy smiling faces, filled with anticipation! Knowing that our anticipation has been stolen from us! No promise of life grows within my womb. I feel so empty and without direction! I don't know what to do with myself.

I really wanted this baby! I really wanted a girl!! We have a 2 year old son, Charles. He is wonderful! I had wanted a little sister for him! So many dreams of them, shattered.....We did get to see and hold Amanda Joy. We took pictures and kept a lit of her hair. They got her handprints and footprints for me. We got to have her bracelet and crib card and pink

blanket. They are all mementos that I will cherish.....I cannot believe this is real, that this has happened to me! Thursday will be 3 weeks from when she was delivered.

I know that someday I will hold her again in Heaven.

These are the words to the song we had sung at both the

In Your loving arms we lay

This wordless one so new

The incarnation of our love

Hopeless, yet so full of love

We make our solemn vow

Not knowing when the time will come

Not even knowing how

And though it seems we try to make

A promise that is true

We really only claim for her

The Promise that is You

The holy sleep which falls so deep

A blessing from above

Will now embrace our little one

In simple trusting love

We offer You this child

Who's only ours for just awhile

How could we keep her back from You

When You gave Your only child?

In Your loving arms we lay

This wordless one so new

The incarnation of our love

This is the poem that I wrote the day Amanda Joy was delivered:

For Amanda Joy Marottek

For seven lovely months

I carried you in my womb

Never knowing or suspecting

It would also be your first tomb

Spent dreaming of you

Spent hoping and planning

Thoughts of a squirmy, little,

Sweet-smelling child from above.

Eager arms would have

Held you tight with love.

So many nights spent awake

Your existence did prove.

And those nighttime hours

Filled with my wonder

Imagining you and Charles

Playing, laughing and smiling.

But God choose to take you

To His Heavenly place

To draw you near and love you

And to kiss your tiny angel face.

Lord, I so wanted this child!

My heart cries out in tearful despair,

But no, it wasn't meant to be,

For she is now in Your care.

These salty tears I cry

But for everyone who'll

Never get to meet my precious baby.

We'll see her in Heaven someday.

Has gone to our home far away.

For seven lovely months

God let me hold you near

And for that I am thankful

But not without a tear.

By-Stephanie Joy Marottek

written for my baby girl-Amanda Joy

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to deal with

loss of our precious baby girl and as we mourn these shattered